insulting 24/7

As far as I can remember, my friends came into my life because I was vulgar and offensive towards other people. I'm not proud of that, but at least I am not alone anymore, I guess. At least people like me. But now that I am an adult, I wonder how bad that deal was.

I do not want to say I am not at a turning point, but I do not know any other way of socializing other than being loud, stompy, and acting idiotically. And that has led me to a social life of people who only know how to degrade others as a form of conversation. I am not innocent by any means, and I don't believe that the people and friends that surround me are a bad influence. Honestly, I think it's backwards.

I remember finishing primary school and wondering how I should make new friends in a different environment. After spending nine years of my life in a single school, the change of scenery hit me. I promised myself to stop being harsh and bold towards other people's feelings. However, that did not last long. It didn't take long before I started being just me, insulting others to win one or two smiles on people's faces. Then junior high school ended, and I moved to another school thinking the exact same thing - the idea of changing and being gentle to others, someone I could be proud of. But once again, that did not last. But I did not care at that point. It's only now, in university, that I realize how much I hate having people make fun of me. Sometimes, I wonder if I will lose control and hit someone.

How will I fix this problem? I do not know. Maybe I will never do it. But as a person, I like to complain about things. It makes me feel a little less ordinary. And I do want to treat people better. No promises, just a dream I have.

It feels like an enormous whine on my part, but I didn't know what else to talk about. I wanted to share something that was not so trivial. I hope that whenever you see me being an asshole, you will kindly remind me. It is appreciated.